Home...

Of course around mother's day and memorial day, after losing my mom, I get a little sad. I never realized to what extent my mom had to go to to make a home. I never realized how hard she worked or what she did. And I don't think anyone fully recognizes what parenthood is until they become a parent. I used to get kind of scared because to me home meant 5411 Tuckerson. I really had to redefine that when my mom passed. Inside my heart ached when I saw a change. That was my home, and someone else was making changes to it. Someone it seemed as though would be unauthorized by Linda Lund to do the things that had been done. The first unthinkable thing would be to let that house look like a tornadoe hit it. And the second unthinkable...I mean the MOST UNTHINKABLE...is painting the famous Alicia Lund pink and purple bedroom. For a short time I had some sadness. I don't have a Dad that will fight and say there should be equal pictures of his kids and grandkids up, so our pictures had been overrun and taken down by a family that surely didn't belong to me. My heart hurt that we were just replaced. In one single day I lost my entire family and what I always thought would be home to me.

But I realized something today. And I think I always knew this. My Mom didn't leave until she knew it would be okay. Until she knew that no matter what I would be strong enough to create that for my children. There didn't have to be a 5411 Tuckerson. That was just in my heart. And I would ALWAYS be able to provide that for my children. And that SHE herself was in our hearts even if on memorial day we weren't close enough to go visit her. I've spent a lot of sleepless nights the last month feeling really guilty that I can't bring her flowers on Monday. But I also realize that I think she knows if I weren't 3000 miles away that I would be bringing her flowers, so on memorial day I'm going to spend some quality time with my kids. Sometimes me and Bailee talk about Nan and how happy she made us. It just makes me sad because if there was one thing my mom taught me...it was Blood is Thicker than water. She told me this several times throughout my life. But I have never found this to be true. I can't think of one nice thing my Dad has to say about me, or one ounce of support he has given me. In fact that is one person I will probably never speak to again in my life. And for the longest time I was really bothered by that. But I've let go of that and replaced it with my ambition to provide a different family lifestyle for my kids. I don't want them to have to think it in their minds that blood is thicker than water, I want them to beleive it by example.